Tuesday, June 20, 2006

All Work and No Dial Tone Makes Naomi a Dull Boy

It's almost impossible to describe the fury that roils through me when Vonage fucks me over. But for you, I will try.

Today, when I was talking to Jon, the call dropped. I was right in the middle of telling a story. I was really into the conversation and really glad for the distraction from my work. In short, I wanted to talk. But what did Vonage want me to do? Scream into the silence.

Fury does not come close to descrbing the feeling of losing a call--ON YOUR OWN DAMN HOME PHONE. I am not a mobile phone subscriber. I did not drive through a tunnel or step into a stell and concrete parking structure. I was sitting at my desk. One minute, phone call. Next minute, echoing silence. My dial tone was nowhere to be found.

After a few futile "hello?"s. A few clicks of the phone, on and off. I began the troubleshooting routine.

Does the phone have power? Yes.
Is my Internet connection solid? Yes.
Double check that--Yes.
Triple check that--Yes.
Can the fax machine get a dial tone? No.
Log on to Vonage's Web site. Any known outtages? No.
Get out an old phone from the closet. Plug it in. No dial tone.
Re-set the router. No dial tone.
Re-set it again. No dial tone.
Go across the street to see if neighbors who also have Vonage have service. Not home.
Come back. Try both phones again. And again. And again. No dial tone. No dial tone. No dial tone.
Try speaker phone. No dial tone.
Call Jon from Tracphone (approximate cost, $2) to explain.
"Fuck Vonage," he says.
"Fuck Vonage," I say.
Check phone power source. Plug into UPS. No dial tone. Phone has power--but no dial tone.
Check cable modem. All is well. No dial tone.
Growl. Growl again. Make fists and visualize smashing brains of Vonage executives into marble counter top. Take deep breath. Decide to definitely switch to a land line and DSL. Except Verizon sucks almost as bad. And because I'm a Comcast subscriber if I switch to their VoIP, they'll screw me with the rates. (How is that a good idea, I ask you??) and relying on only a cell phone would be too expensive. Decide to switch anyway. Fuck Vonage.
Check Vonage Web page again. Nothing.
No dial tone.
Check router power source. Seems Fine. Unplug it anyway. Wait.
Plug it back in.
... dial tone.

Jesus Fucking H. Christ. What does a girl have to do around here to get a motherfreaking dial tone?????

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