Wednesday, November 21, 2007

On grieving

My dearest L--,

I hope you will forgive my delayed response. I wasn't sure what to say, or offer, or when. My inside guide told me to just breathe and wait for while. So, that's what I did.

But last night, I felt called to contact you. So, here I am.

I don't know anything about your relationship with your brother, but it sounds like it was challenging, painful, and complicated/lifelong.

I want only to tell you that I love you. And that I'm sorry for your loss--the loss of someone you were born into a relationship with, and for everything you lost through the experience of that relationship.

Grief is a strange and exotic animal. It has an acrid odor, an intense and disturbingly alluring coat of a something that is like nothing we have ever touched, it is fierce and slippery, with bright, intelligent, alien eyes that confuse us with their burn. We don't get enough knowledge or practice beforehand at how to experience it, how to engage with it or let it live in harmony with us. What do you feed this grief? Do you fight it, cage it, or take it for a ride?

I'm glad you were honest in your e-mail about your mixed emotions. Honesty heals.

I'm glad that you have S--, to feed you hold you, stand with you.

I'm glad you have a loving circle of friends.

And I'm so glad to know you. Glad to be with you in the world as your friend, understanding fully that it's a miracle you have become such a stable, giving, kind-hearted, soul-who-can-laugh and care.

I know that grief takes a long time. And that crying helps. and screaming. And yelling. I hope you get chances to do all of these things as often as you need to.

I am struggling through Thanksgiving, the worst day of the year in my opinion, and the four and a half days of vacation (read isolation) it provides.

I am still grieving the loss of Calvin and now am sad to have learned that Norman is ailing and entering his final stage of life as well...

So, as I breathe and meditate and cry and cope, my love is with you, and my empathy, for all that is lost and longed for and grieved in your life.

With much warm love and sustaining graces,

Your friend,



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